| A Bad Day A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." |
| Back Seat Driver A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk." |
| A Fishing Lure A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one." |
| Yo Momma Jokes Yo momma armpits so hairy looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock! Yo momma house so small her washcloth makes wall-to-wall carpeting. Yo momma house so small the doormat just says "WEL" Yo momma like Betty Crocker icing: Always ready to spread. Yo momma like Chinese food: Sweet sour and cheap! Yo momma like Crazy Eddie: She's practically giving it all away. Yo momma like a 7-11. On every corner and always open. Yo momma like a 7-UP: Never had it never will. Yo momma like a Christmas tree: Everybody hangs balls on her. Yo momma like a Denny's: Open 24 hours. Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo momma like a birthday cake: Everybody gets a piece. Yo momma like a bowling ball: You can fit three fingers in. Yo momma like a bubble gum machine: 25 cents a blow. Yo momma like a bus: Fifty cents and she's ready to ride! Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo momma like a catsup bottle: Everyone gets a squeeze out of her! Yo momma like a door knob: Everyone gets a turn. Yo momma like a goalie: Changes pads after three periods. Yo momma like a golf course: Everyone gets a hole in one! Yo momma like a race car: She's always burning rubber. Yo momma like a railroad track: Gets laid all over the country. Yo momma like a refrigerator: Everyone puts their meat in! Yo momma like a revolving door: Everyone gets a turn. Yo momma like a screen door: After a couple bangs she loosens up! Yo momma like a shotgun: Give her a cock and she blows. Yo momma like a smokehouse: Always full of meat. Yo momma like a stamp: You lick her stick her then send her away. Yo momma like a stop sign: She's on every corner. Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner: A real good suck. Yo momma like a video game: Four men for a dollar! Yo momma like an Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo momma like an ice cream cone: Everyone gets a lick. Yo momma like mustard: She spreads easy. Yo momma like potato chips: Fri-to Lay. Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy: Everyone gets a poke! Yo momma like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man: Everybody gets a piece. Yo momma pubic hair is so nappy the crabs ride dune buggies. Yo momma pussy so dry the crabs carry canteens. Yo momma so generous that she would give all her money to a bum. Yo momma so nasty when your daddy ate her pussy he got food poisoning. Yo momma so poor she was kickin a can, and said she was "moving!" Yo momma so pretty that I would love to fuck her in the ass without lube. Yo momma so short she trips on spit. Yo momma so small she gotta hang glide on a Dorito. Yo momma so stinky she can knock a buzzard off a' shit wagon! Yo momma so stinky she make Right Guard turn left! |
| Barroom Bet A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!" |
| SCOOTER TRASH WEDDING NIGHT THIS SCOOTER TRASH GUY MARRIES A SWEET YOUNG THING. THEY GO TO THE MOTEL AFTER THE CEREMONY, AND SHE CHANGES INTO A SEXY NIGHTGOWN, LIES ON THE BED, AND SAYS "BE GENTLE WITH ME I'M A VERGIN." AT THIS THE BIKER BURST INTO TEARS, PULLS ON HIS CLOTHES, GETS ON HIS BIKE, AND RIDES HOME. HE TELLS HIS FATHER WHAT HAPPENED. "SON YOU DONE RIGHT ," SAYS HIS POP. "IF SHE WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER OWN FAMLIY, SHE AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR OURS." |
| LETTER FROM HOME DEAR BIKER SON, I'M WRITING THIS LETTER SLOW BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN'T READ FAST. WE DON'T LIVE WHERE WE DID WHEN YOU LEFT HOME. YOUR DAD READ IN THE PAPER THAT MOST ACCIDENTS HAPPEN WITHEN 20 MILES OF HOME, SO WE MOVED. I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEND YOU THE ADDRESS BECAUSE THE LAST BIKER FAMILY THAT LIVED HERE TOOK THE NUMBERS SO THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR ADDSESS. THIS PLACE IS REALLY NICE. IT EVEN HAS A WASHING MACHINE. I'M NOT SURE IT WORKS SO WELL THOUGH: LAST WEEK I PUT A LOAD IN PUSHED THE HANDLE AND HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE. THE WEATHER ISN'T BAD HERE. IT ONLY RAINED TWICE LAST WEEK; THE FIRST TIME FOR THREE DAYS AND THE SECOUND FOR FOUR DAYS. ABOUT THAT COAT YOU WANTED ME TO SEND YOU, YOUR UNCLE TINY SAID IT WOULD BE TO HEAVY TO SEND WITH THE BUTTONS ON, SO I CUT THEM OFF AND PUT THEM IN THE POCKETS. JOHN LOCKED HIS KEYS IN THE CAR YESTERDAY. WE WERE REAL WORRIED BECAUSE IT TOOK HIM TWO HOURS TO GET ME AND YOUR FATHER OUT. YOUR SISTER HAD A BABY THIS MORNING; BUT I HAVEN'T FOUND OUT WHAT IT IS YET SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE A AUNT OR AN UNCLE. THE BABY LOOKS A LOT LIKE YOUR BROTHER......... THREE OF YOUR FRIENDS WENT OFF A BRIDGE IN A PICKUP. BUBA WAS DRIVING, HE ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW AND SWAM TO SAFETY. YOUR OTHER TWO FRIENDS WERE IN BACK. THEY DROWNED BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T GET THE TAILGATE DOWN. THERE ISN'T MUCH MORE NEWS AT THIS TIME. NOTHING MUCH HAS HAPPENED. LOVE, MOM P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY BUT THE ENVELOPE WAS ALREADY SEALED. |
| A Case For The FBI The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed." |
| Boy, Officer & Squirrel A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go" |
| A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? "What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" "The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!" |
| A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!" |
| One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me." |