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| 22 Things To Never Say To A Cop 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job! 5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. 7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 8. Bad cop! No donut! 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS? 12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. 13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? 14. I pay your salary! 15. So, uh, you on the take, or what? 16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too! 17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are. 19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist. 20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum. 22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? |
| Girls Night Out Why females should avoid a "girls night out" after they are married: The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." |
| The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life. |
| Flat Tummy A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." |
| This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks "Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says "you're kidding.." Girl says "no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???" Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is a failic symbol!" Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller" |
| A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." |
| A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off. |
| A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. “Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!” One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what’s going on here!” The missionary replies, “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.” The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white baby.” |
| What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass? A Mechanic. |
| Why don't Mexicans teach driver's Ed. and Sex Education on the same day? Because they don't want to wear out the donkey. |
| Why does the University of Tennesse football team wear orange to all their Saturday games? So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday. |
| How do you sink a Polish submarine? You knock on the door. |
| Why do Scottsmen wear kilts? The sound of the zipper scares the sheep. |
| A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap. "How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game warden. "Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!" |
| Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The two in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open! |
| An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo my yen - today I get only hunat eighty? The bank teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man says! , "Fluc you white guys too |
| A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal! Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." I'm not falling for this, " says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,there's going to be a string attached. |
| A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." |
| A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." |
| Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton, and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam |
| Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? Because the DNA is all the same and there are no dental records. |
| What does a Redneck/whitetrash girl say when she loses her viginity? Get off me pa you're crushin' my smokes |
| What do you call a 12 year old redneck/whitetrash girl who can run faster than her Dad and brothers? A virgin. |
| how do you get a redneck/whitetrash girl to give you head? Dip your penis in Ranch Dressing. |
| This Sunday, President Bush will be at the Daytona 500 for the start of NASCAR season. President Bush is a big fan of NASCAR. Bush says if it weren't for NASCAR, man never would have stepped foot on the moon. Finally, somebody said, "Uh, sir ... that's NASA." |
| An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. |
| A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats". |
| The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!" |